Because it is being judged alongside the flavor text when determining the top ten.
Offical Lore Contest Discussion Area
Okay, before I attempt to take a crack at writing some lore myself, I have a couple questions (as I am clearly not up to snuff):
(1) Are there any prominent kingdoms/castles with political conflicts/discord?
(2) Are there any special armies or forces, or any famous battles involving archers/troops?
(3) Are there any prominent mercenary or assassin organizations?
@HealingMystic I definitely plan on doing more critiques when I have the time (maybe later tonight or tomorrow). 
Does uh, the spelling matter (British vs American standard)? If the judges panel would prefer American spelling, I will make amendments prior to posting mine tomorrow.
American is preferred, but it is not a strict requirement.
Cheers. Not too big of a problem since its only a few words (color vs colour).
The only information I can relay for that is any lore we have available in game is the lore we have to offer currently.
Finally posted mine, I was working on it for the better half of this weekend. My usual writing style doesn’t really fit with all the medieval/fantasy themes I saw others going for, so I just went with what I wanted to write. I’ve only been playing Duelyst for a few days, but I’m in love already. My favorite so far is, of course, Shiro Puppydragon.
(And, y’know, all the wolf-related units.)
I wouldn’t complain if someone decided to take the time to review my humble story either. I’d be happy to clarify if a part seems to vague or doesn’t seem to flow properly.
I’ll update this post throughout the week with additional critiques. Also, I’ve noticed two prominent issues in a lot of the submissions so far: excessive telling and statical plot. Here are some solid resources for approaching these issues: Showing vs. Telling and 10 Tips for Short Scene Writing
[details=Healing Mystic Critique]> “I may not know who you are, but I do know this; I’m not going to let you die.”
As flavor text, this falls very flat. Direct quotes are deeply uninteresting, as they are all telling and no showing. Perhaps, describe the magic/technique they use, the training they must endure, or an oath they must swear (e.g. Hippocratic Oath).
Pots and vials clattered as the world shook with anger. A small hooded creature calmly poured liquids into a small bowl before her. A blood curdling scream pierced the air as the figure continued mixing with rehearsed motions seemingly paying no mind to anything other than her craft. She stepped back and prepared to add the final ingredient to the glowing green brew.
- “As the world shook with anger” is obfuscative; simply say what is happening.
- 2nd sentence
- Just say ‘Healing Mystic’, or even use a name, as ‘small hooded creature’ is silly.
- Lack of orientation; where are we? If the reader has no sense of place, then they will not engage.
- Instead of telling us that she’s calmly pouring liquids, why not show us this and give us some details (i.e. what kind of liquids)?
- 3rd sentence
- “Blood-curdling scream pierced the air” is acutely cliche. Use a different wording.
- Second part of sentence is very choppy; break into two sentences or reword.
- The rest can be cut, as none of those details do anything for the overall story.
The figure’s ears perked up as a body launched into the chamber. Its skin was burnt to a crisp, its entrails leaking. The creature bowed her head for a few precious moments lamenting the loss of life before returning to the task before her. She opened her hands and began to channel her life energy into the mixture. She paused again as she felt an unknown force. Turning around she saw a small orb rising from the body. The spirit gave a wordless affirmation to the Mystic, they both knew what needed to be done.
- Again, just use a name or Mystic/Healing Mystic/Healer.
- Only now do you orient the reader, but we still don’t really know where this chamber is (or why a dead body is being flung through it).
- 3rd sentence is very awkward. No reaction (beyond “bummer”) to a dead body being flung into their chamber is absurd.
- The rest is simply confusing and excessively telling. Why is she channeling her “life energy” into the mixture, why is there a small orb rising from the body, why did she sense it, why the ‘wordless affirmation’, why did they both know what needed to be done…?
For generations the Mystics were trained to selflessly use their own life to fuel their potions. About half of her life span had already been wasted away, and she was prepared to give it all. However the aid from the spirit eased the burden on her own body as the elixir began to take on a more ethereal form. It spiraled in the air before softly floating down to her light blue palms.
- Jarring exposition is jarring. This should be placed prior to the scene or integrated.
- 2nd sentence is, again, begging the why’s. Does this detail do anything for the story?
- 3rd sentence is, again, confusing and excessively telling.
- The rest is, again, more unnecessary details.
Carrying the magic she walked out to the battlefield. The factions who were slaughtering each other didn’t matter, nor did the explosions that singed her cloak. She cared about one thing and one thing only; saving lives.
- Use commas after transition phrases (Carrying the magic, she walked out to the battlefield).
- 1st sentence only compounds the orientation problem. How is she in a chamber and yet capable of trotting out to the battlefield? Why is there a battle going on? Where is it taking place?
- The rest simply doesn’t do anything. It can be inferred that she is devoted to healing; that’s what healers do.
Overall, I’d recommend returning to the drawing board and refocusing on some kind of dynamic arc that engages us and shows us what this ‘minion’ is about (or at least gives us some character development/personality that we can engage with). Here are some possible prompts:
- How does one become a Healing Mystic? What kind of training do they have to go through? Are there any trials/examinations that test their abilities to the fullest?
- What was their first ‘live’ experience as a Healing Mystic? Contrast that to a more recent experience and show how they’ve changed/grown.
- What was their most memorable experience as a Healing Mystic? How has that shaped them?[/details]
Shiro Puppydragon Critique
“Four legs good, two legs bad. One tail best.”
- While I get that Shiro is ultimately a very silly design, I think the flavor text here could do much more than this. Give us something interesting to latch on to: details of its origin/name//attack/behavior, a hero’s tale of an encounter (“Do not let the puppy eyes deceive you.”), a funny blurb (“The problem is that the public sees all puppy and no dragon. It’s no wonder we’ve seen a surge of scorched hand cases.”)
The celestial toy-maker’s calloused fingers run along equally ethereal thread, shaping his creation at will. This plaything is fashioned for the children of mankind, but it appears almost divine in its origin. The lanterns nearby provide little illumination, but he needs no light to see the beauty of what he has made. Splatters of charcoal have landed haphazardly upon tanned tufts. A tail of jade and dots of the same crystal among its fur distinguish it from the more common animals of the realm.
- This entire paragraph is plagued with purple prose. Focus on content and flow first, and worry about word-choice/aesthetic later.
- Lack of orientation; the reader has no idea where we are and, honestly, what’s going on.
At last, it is finished.
The toy-maker lays his craft down upon the battered workstation, watching with bated and weary breath. A few terse moments pass in silence before the animal springs to life - a bit smaller than he expects. Easy to cradle in two hands, if one is careful.
- “With bated and weary breath”, just choose one. Don’t overload on adjectives, as they draw attention and disengage the reader.
- Last sentence is a fragment.
This is not the great beast that his creator anticipated.
- Redundant, also awkward pov-shift.
The canine’s eyes open slowly, but he soon leaps to his paws. Excited yaps spill from the his muzzle, and his lengthy tail whips about furiously. He attempts to leap atop his creator for a loving lick to the face, but is made to settle for a warm pat to the head instead. His small paws scrabble at the workstation’s surface, futilely attempting to dig a hole through ectoplasm.
- 1st sentence: rife with awkward wording. Don’t use ‘canine’ and don’t use ‘leaps to his paws’.
- 2nd sentence: again, purple prose, reword. Also cut ‘the’ before ‘his muzzle’.
- 3rd sentence: awkward wording, unnecessary; cut.
*4th sentence: completely unnecessary, only compounds the lack of orientation (ectoplasm?!).
No, this is not what the toy-maker had anticipated at all - it is leaps and bounds ahead of his dreams.
- Redundant, also why does it exceed his expectations?
He is dubbed Shiro. When his wide eyes are unleashed upon the world, humanity never fully recovers.
- Lol…why is he ‘dubbed’ Shiro? Give us some reasoning to attach to, don’t just tell us.
- Last sentence is overwhelmingly absurd; why is an affectionate puppydragon now the harbinger of the end times?
Overall, return to the drawing board. A generic Pinocchio/Watchmaker story does nothing to breathe life into this minion’s story. I’m left with more questions than answers: who is this celestial toy-maker, where is he, why does he make Shiro, why does Shiro upend humanity, etc. etc. etc.
Why not focus on something dynamic and descriptive that actually connects to the minion? Some possible prompts:
- Who first encountered the mighty puppydragon, and what was that encounter like?
- Have there been attempts to domesticate them? How has that gone?
- Where did they come from (not some generic, celestial being non-sense)?
- Why is it named Shiro?
Blood Taura Critique
Through blood. Through pain. Through sacrifice. To obtain the greatest power, one must give up everything.
- While I appreciate that you attempted to connect this with the card’s ability, it reads as very generic (“greatest power”, “give up everything”). Try tapping into some specificity.
- While nitpicky, with the punctuational choices you have now, your flavor text is disqualifying (1-2 sentences max). Although, I doubt you intended the first 3 fragments as sentences.
- Repetition of ‘through’ is superfluous.
The job was simple. The pay was good. There should have been no problems. “Build us a golem.” The simplest of jobs for anyone with the mastery. And what greater master of metallurgy was there in the land? It should have been nothing. But one cannot plan for the foolishness of humans.
- Lack of orientation: where are we, whose pov? Establish these immediately or you risk disengagement.
- Even though it’s short (which almost saves it), this exposition is very dry (be specific, draw the reader in with interesting details).
- 4th sentence is redundant; cut.
- Never begin sentences with coordinating conjunctions (e.g. And, But)
- 8th sentence is redundant; cut.
- Last sentence does nothing (and ‘foolishness of humans’ is quite awkward when a human is doing the thinking).
- While it sets the tone, this paragraph begs a lot of questions (besides the problems of orientation). Why is this golem commissioned? Who is it commissioned by?
The apprentice sneered at the bloodied body of the one he used to call his master. He spat on the ground as he turned to leave. “Enjoy your work in the next life, old fool. I’ll reap the riches in this one.” The metallurgist merely groaned as the door slammed shut, the sound of the lock clicking echoing through the chamber.
- Use names, titles are generic and boring.
- 1st sentence is very stilted. Why not condense it with the 2nd sentence (removes wordiness and lets the scene flow): “Sevrin spat at the bloodied ground by his master’s body.”
- Even more troublesome question-begging here: Why the betrayal? What happened to get to this point where an apprentice has attempted to murder his master? Money isn’t enough (or it should be specified then).
- Be consistent: ‘master’ instead of ‘metallurgist’.
- Last sentence has awkward wording. Perhaps, try: “the click of the lock echoing throughout the chamber.”
It was not rage that drove him though. It was not despair. As the metallurigst stumbled to his feet, the last embers of his life flickering, there was but one thing that pushed him. Pride. Pride that his work would be remembered. That his legacy would not be tarnished. In one shaking hand, he grasped his tools. In the other, he took blood from his soon-to-be corpse. And he finished his work.
- Use the 1st sentence to immediately orient the reader to the pov-switch (“In the cold dark, the master stirred.”)
- 1st sentence: cut ‘though’ (‘though’ has a comparative connotation, and you aren’t comparing anything). Consider condensing 1st + 2nd: “Neither rage nor despair drove him.”
- Pride as his driving force is silly.
- 6th sentence is a fragment (just use a comma).
- “soon-to-be corpse” is very awkward. Try: “he drew what little blood he had left.”
- Last sentence: Again, never begin with a CC. Try: “He would finish his work” or “He went to finishing his work.”
The apprentice unlocked the door, and strode into the room. He had to deliver the product, after all, as well as remove the corpse. But… where was the corpse? And where was the golem? All that was left was a strange blood-red statue, of a man with… a bull’s head? Strange. As he turned to examine the room, the apprentice did not hear the statue creaking.
- Ease the reader into the scene with a transition to mark a passing of time (e.g. When the sun had set low, Sevrin returned.")
- Elephant in the room: Blood Taura isn’t a golem/statue. It feels rather boring to reduce its lore as such.
- It is utterly absurd that he is not immediately on-guard after noting the absence of the corpse (and golem) and the presence of a strange statue that wasn’t there before. This is immersion-breaking.
And when the other villagers barged into the room a week later, only 2 things were found. The apprentice’s corpse, and the blood-red statue watching over it.
- Awkward time-skip. I’d place it at a day or two at most.
- Use ‘two’ instead of 2.
- Use a colon for connected emphasis (e.g. “only two things were found: the apprentice’s corpse, and a blood-red statue watching over it.”)
Overall, I think you have an effective arc, and your 2nd paragraph scene-execution was good. However, the story lacks some essential details (orientation; motivation for the betrayal; how/why does the master make the Blood Taura?). I’d also rewrite the 4th paragraph so as to make the encounter more believable.
Silhouette Tracer Critique
It might be a dream… But I feel Eos has spoken to me, finally after years of awaiting…
- Never use an ellipsis outside of dialogue or citation.
- As flavor text, I’m left wanting. Direct quotes are generally uninteresting, and this neither hooks the reader nor offers an interesting bit of insight. Try something more specific/creative. Stay away from direct quotation.
Hear the tingling of the crystals… listen to their betraying sound, and follow me. Follow me into darkness… follow me deep, deep deep down, deeper than the abysmal grounds of your soul.
- What are you trying to get across with this paragraph…? I fear you’ve let a love of words overpower here. There’s nothing but confusion to be found here.
- Where are we? Whose POV?
- What is happening, and why should the reader care?
- Why is the crystal sound ‘betraying’?
- Do no use repetition without purpose.
- Do not address the reader directly.
Spirit, who takes me where I will, take me, now, and let me stand on some lovely crystal hill. Away from bigotry’s deathly flare, away from the blind feel of the approaching spell. Take me, where no man stands, to the Echoing Depths, through a gentle breath, I travel in length and breadth, escaping death…
- Honestly, same criticisms follow from paragraph one. Confusion is just compounded here.
- Rhyming is, in brief, a narratological faux pas. Resist the temptation, and put that energy into the development of a tangible scene.
Arrived! O’ shady spot of ground, What calmness you strike round. Aghast?
- This is not Shakespeare.
There fell a shade as on an awe-struck face, and overhead, like a portentous rim. Pulled over to make all dim, A grave gigantic cloud came repeatedly to uplift him…
- Again, refer to paragraph one criticisms.
- Shy away from using awkward language (e.g. portentous).
I will not tell soon forgotten tales of the landscapes I find, but swoop, and dive back up. I am the Silhouette Tracer,
- What?
Catch me, if you can.
- No conclusion; nothing happened, nothing changed.
- Overall, I’d recommend focusing on crafting a coherent scene in which something changes (this gives the reader something to engage with). Resist the temptation to get lost in purple prose (i.e. word choice) and rhyme. Some possible prompts:
- What is a Silhouette Tracer? What is its origin? Can a person become one, or is it a separate creature entirely?
- What purpose could a Silhouette Tracer serve? Messenger? Spy? Assassin? Guard?
Black Locust Critique
Overall, it’s a good effort. However, to be blunt, the grammatical errors are excessive and the entire story is a generic, passive summary. If english is not your 1st language, then that is completely understandable. Tense accuracy and consistency, subject/verb agreement, and plural forms seem to be the major areas of concern. If you’re able to review and correct those, then I’d focus on rewriting a majority of the story as an active, engaging scene (e.g. detailing the battle, in present-tense between the Aspect and the Black Locust).
4 Likes
Just in case you haven’t already you should look in to T2k5 lore corner fore examples of in game lore, so you have a frame of reference.
1 Like
(1) How are the submissions going to be narrowed to a Top 10? If they’re going to be privately selected by you and/or a panel, are there any criteria you could disclose? Similarly, when the voting topic goes up, will you disclose the reasonings as to why certain stories were chosen?
(2) Given that only the flavor text will make it in, would you prefer ‘general’ flavor text or ‘specific’ flavor text that pertains to our stories? In other words, will we de docked points for having flavor text that directly ties to our stories (thus, making it less adaptable for the official lore)?
It will be a private selection from a panel that does include myself and a couple other developers.
Some of the criteria would be grammar, flow, creativity, and keeping with the same overall tone/style that our lore currently has.
The flavor text should be able to stand on its own independent of your lore. It can make references or be relevant to it overall, but I should be able to grasp its meaning/concept without having read the lore.
2 Likes
Out of curiosity, would my flavor text (for Blood Taura), be acceptable as is, or would I need to change it? It doesn’t exactly fit the ‘1-2’ sentences part, but I’d like to think it’s acceptable. I hope.
Hey guys, I would love it so much if someone gave my story a chance and told me what I should fix/change.
Title: Silhouette Tracer.
If you have any feedback or advice I would love to hear it!
Hey there, the guy that thought it was a good idea to wrote about Black Locust.
Just wanted to know if you have something to say about it, a good critic. I didn’t had the time to read the others, and I don’t wanted to do it before making mine. Cleared mind without any idea stolen.
I mainly tried to do something linked to the original Lore of Duelyst. If I made a mistake tell me ^^.
For what is just no accurate enough, I also would like to listen.
Last thing : I’ll read the other when I have the time and talk with you guys ;).
PS : yeah English is not my native language.
I’ve had very little time this week (1st wave of exams), so I only have some rough sketches for my submission. I’d like to get some thoughts as to which you think would sound more interesting (or what I could add to make it more interesting/lore-centered):
(1) Dancing Blades (A): Detail a scene in which an undercover assassin (Kurikan?) performs a magic show for a diplomatic conference. For the assassin’s final trick, he commands a set of blades to dance conveniently close to his target (perhaps Sargos?).
(2) Dancing Blades (B): Detail a scene in which a renowned blademaster (School of Harmony, Selflessness?) fends off a horde of Inxikrah, allowing a team of Alcuin Loremasters to retreat to safety. The blademaster, while triumphant, sustains severe wounds. In his last moments, while he can hear the next horde approaching, he commits his dying energy to his blades and brings them to life.
(3) Dreamgazer (A): Detail a scene in which a researcher/creator (School of Knowledge, Dreams?) of the Dreamgazers reflects on her creation. She ponders how the Dreamgazers, which began as a way of studying dreams (how they differ from the Magmar?), are now used as methods of mass surveillance by spying on and manipulating the dream content of the Aestarian public.
(4) Dreamgazer (B): Detail a scene in which an Artifact Hunter traverses an ancient cave system to find her item of interest (Staff of Y’kir? Crescent Spear? White Asp?). Upon entering the vast treasure room, she is met with the chilling realization that she is not the first person to find it (bodies scatter the floor, with Dreamgazers coiled around each).
Again, I’d love to hear which (if any) of these sound most promising. Cheers 
1 Like
I think (2) is the most promising. While the idea of a magic trick is nice, I don’t think it really embodies the spirit of dancing blades. (2) is much more fulfilling in that regard.
2 Likes
Only two more days till the submission phase is closed 
Get your entries in soon if you haven’t already!
Hey look. I did a thing. It’s kind of awful, and campy. But huzzah! Good luck to everyone who entered.
@Ryvirath aaaayyyy , I don’t suppose you’d know what the proper adjective form of Inxikrah is? Like if I wanted to talk about their toxin or architecture, would I say ‘Inxikrahn’? ‘Stygian’? ‘Inxikrahtic’?
1 Like